The Story of Patagonia and the Foolish Travelers

In the beginning there were three siblings: Patagonia, the oldest and most tempestuous; Lagos, the girl who is loved by everyone; and Atacama, who is dry and morose. 

Patagonia and Atacama often fought – both jealous of the other, but Lagos kept the peace, often by placing herself between her two brothers. 

Over time Patagonia became the most powerful of all the gods. He was big and bold, he ran hot and cold, he had a harsh beauty, and he could be very unpredictable.

Atacama had few friends and kept to himself most of the time. But he was close to his uncle, the God of the Sun, and, if he so chose, he could make your life miserable with his heat.

The siblings roamed the heavens, but occasionally became bored and came down to earth for some amusement. Powerful as they are, they cannot assume their natural forms on Earth. Instead, their spirits become part of the Earth itself. 

Atacama takes his form in northern Chile, where he comes to life as a vast desert. Lagos roams south of Santiago; she is very beautiful , and she is friends with everyone, but especially with the mountains and the vulcans. And Patagonia, he takes his terrestrial form in southern Chile and Argentina – at the same time the most resplendent and the most brutal place on the globe. 

While they have only been on earth for a blink of their eye, that blink has lasted thousands of years for those on the blue planet. 

One day, not so very long ago, Patagonia discovered that two travelers – the Mungers from Minnesota – were planning to visit Ushuaia, his oldest and most beautiful daughter. 

Patagonia was not pleased by this development. Of all his many children, he loved Ushuaia the most. Her beauty is, of course, unmatched. But he also loved her innocence. 

He was afraid that these visitors from the north would corrupt his daughter. Teach her about America – that place that used to be such a shining star of leadership in the world, but that had taken a turn for the much, much worse. Or infect her with their social media – teaching her to spend her time reading blogs and watching YouTube videos rather than admiring the stunning mountains and the bountiful sea that he had placed all around her. Or, worst of all, corrupt her with their spirit of wanderlust – so that she might leave and never return. 

Now, at first Patagonia paid little attention to these Mungers. They were thousands of miles away and traveling by bicycle; “they will not make it here anyway,” he thought. But day after day they inched closer, and when they made it past the Darien Gap, that natural barrier that the gods created to keep the worlds apart, he became concerned.

So Patagonia set out to make sure these two foolish mortals never made it to Ushuaia. Now, the Gods can take on their terrestrial forms, but they cannot directly interfere with Earthly happenings. 

So Patagonia leaned on the lesser gods to help him persuade these Mungers to go elsewhere. 

He did not think it would take much because these Mungers looked weak and inept. It so happened that Patagonia knew a mortal in Colombia who specialized in creating mischief.

“Go Elon,” he commanded his acolyte, “and cast thee these goatheads into their path so that Old Dan and Little Ann shall become slow and worthless, like the sloths of Panama.”

And Elon, who was without scruples and was truly a sycophant, did Patagonia’s bidding. And Old Dan and Little Ann were rendered useless – and Patagonia rejoiced.

But the Mungers called on their friends for help, and advice came in from Wisemen like Dave P and Chip T via these social media channels that Patagonia did not understand.

And soon Old Dan and Little Ann were as good as new, and The Mungers continued along as if nothing had happened.

Patagonia was irritated, but this was only a small setback. There were many tricks left in his bag. He called on his cousin, Ecuador – the goddess of the northern mountains. Ecuador was happy to oblige because she wanted to be more like Patagonia – with people flocking to see her rugged beauty throughout the year. 

She started by placing towering mountains before the Mungers. 

But they persisted. Slowly climbing up and over. 

She lured them up one of her highest peaks – Chimborazo – and thinned the air and made it very cold so they couldn’t breathe and they would freeze. 

Still they persisted – because Ecuador didn’t realize that they were from Minnesota so that the cold wouldn’t faze them. They even smiled at the top, mocking Ecuador and her plans.

So Ecuador called upon her friend, La Niebla – and soon a dense fog enveloped the Mungers. 

The Mungers were not happy, and complained bitterly. But it came to pass that they had friends in Minnesota – Mark and Linda – who connected them with their friends, the Palacios, in Ecuador. And the Palacios comforted the Mungers and helped guide them through the fog. And the gods were thwarted.

Finally, Ecuador gave up: “I am sorry. I cannot stop them, Patagonia. Maybe you can call upon Peru.”

Now, Peru and Patagonia are not close. In fact, Patagonia is often resentful of his cousin: “He offers nothing but mountains and that little old village they call Macchu Picchu – and yet he is more popular than I am . . .” 

But Patagonia was desperate; so he asked Peru for this one favor. 

Peru was not eager to help his boastful cousin, but he also didn’t want to anger the most powerful of the gods, so he offered this:

”I will give these Mungers a choice. They can either climb my impassable mountains, or they can suffer mile after mile of my arid coast. Either way they are bound to give up and go elsewhere . . .”

After suffering through Ecuador’s montañas, the Mungers chose the coast. 

But Peru was right. It ground them down, and soon they made a new plan. Alas, it was not the plan that Patagonia was looking for; they took one of these new autobuses across Peru – so that still they kept their focus on reaching his precious Ushuaia. 

Patagonia raged. 

“Are all the other gods so stupid and incompetent? They couldn’t stop these two pitiful mortals from this backwater called Minnesota?”

Having little choice, he called upon his brother, Atacama, whom he had not spoken to for thousands of years. Now, Atacama was like Peru. He hated Patagonia, but he did not want to anger him. 

“I will do my best, Brother. First, I will lure them into my hot belly with mote con huesillo, and then I will batter them with heat. And then, when they are worn down, I will send our friend, El Viento, to blow them off their course . . .”

The mote worked like a charm. The Mungers loved the sweet concoction. 

“If we keep going, surely there will be more,” they said.

And they kept pedaling. Ever further. But there was no more mote. 

And they despaired.

Atacama called upon his mortal friend – Haraldo, who lived upon his land and ran a pathetic fruit stand – to help finish them off. 

“Give them a terrible camping place and a pitiful dinner and they will finally give up . . .”

And so Haraldo sent them to a terrible campsite with a horrible baño that was rotting away and had not been cleaned in years, and he gave them his worst cheese sandwich. 

And, sure enough, the Mungers despaired.

The next morning they decided they couldn’t take it anymore, and they took their next turn out of the desert. 

And this is where Atacama’s true genius came into play. He called upon his friend, El Viento, and he huffed, and he puffed – with the idea of pushing them further into the Atacama. 

But they kept coming.

“That female one, they call Dr. Liu, she is too strong,” reported El Viento. “She has an iron will and she will never give up . . .”

And they persisted. 

And soon the Mungers arrived in Iquique, where they planned to escape with another one of those insidious autobuses.

But Patagonia had anticipated this. 

And he had a plan. 

He would prey upon the weakness of that foolish male they call John. 

He called upon an obscure Demi-god, El Cambio, to help him with his plan. 

Sure enough, John walked right into their trap. 

Just before departure time, he grew hungry and he left the bus to buy provisions. But when he did, El Cambio played the one trick he knew. He created confusion at the kiosk so that a long line formed – with each transaction requiring long trips to find more change – el cambio. 

By the time John had purchased his peanuts, the bus was gone. 

Patagonia rejoiced. “Now we have them. Those foolish mortals. I should have found their weakness – John and his always-hungry stomach – long ago . . .”

But Patagonia did not count on the persistence and strength of the one they call Dr. Liu. He did not realize that she NEVER quits, and that she is from this place called New York, where they are bold and brash and don’t rest on decorum. 

She knocked on the driver’s door, and demanded that they stop the bus and retrieve her foolish husband. 

“Oh, you mean the gringo?” they asked. And they stopped the bus and retrieved him from the kiosk.

And onward the Mungers came. 

And Patagonia raged. 

Now, there was no use in trying to convince Lagos to stop them. She is too nice and thinks the best of everyone. 

So Patagonia used the time that the Mungers were traveling through the Lagos Region to devise ever-worse plans for the Mungers once they reached the true Patagonian wilderness.

His big idea . . . 

Lure them onto the Carretera Austral – with its ripio and his relentless mountains. Then convince them to take the section of road west of Chile Chico – with the worst gravel roads and the biggest hills – and then use the big Lagos Carrera to let El Viento whip up tremendous winds right in their faces. 

Sure enough, the combination of the wind and the ripio and the hills had their effect. The Mungers turned on each other. They lost their will. They despaired how they would ever reach their goal. 

And Patagonia celebrated. 

For they were finally defeated. Even Dr. Liu had given up.

But then, like the Hoos in Hooville, this kindly woman Claudia and her family ruined Patagonia’s plans. 

They picked up the Mungers, loaded them in their pickup, and brought them down the road. Not all the way, but just far enough so that the spirit of the Mungers was buoyed. It was as if they could hear the song of the Hoos in Hooville – somehow still singing despite Patagonia’s evil machinations. 

He couldn’t steal Christmas!

Now, Patagonia did not completely give up after this. He sent some more fog and wind and ripio – and even some rain and some cold, but his heart wasn’t in it. He realized that even if he defeated the Mungers – their human friends would step in and save them. 

But on the last day of their march to Ushuaia, Patagonia feared for his daughter like never before. He resolved to make one last effort to stop them.

He would combine all of his tricks into one day. The Mungers woke up to a dense, wet fog, with bitter cold and with mountains to overcome. And, sure enough, the weak one they called John complained of freezing fingers and toes. 

But Dr. Liu persisted, not allowing her husband to relent. 

And, sure enough, they made it through the fog and the wet, and up the mountain pass, and Patagonia had used up all his powers. The clouds parted, and the sun shone,

and all that was left of Patagonia’s plans was a little ice and snow hidden in the ditches in the shade. 

But it was not enough.

And the Mungers made it to Ushuaia. 

And she is beautiful. 

And they rejoiced.

And it came to pass that they saw penguins.

And they hope they can bottle up the spirit of this wonderful place and bring it with them wherever they may go . . .

And Patagonia despaired. For he realized, finally, that he may have already lost Ushuaia before the Mungers even arrived. Because he had been so focused on their journey that he didn’t notice all of the thousands of these people they call eco-tourists coming to set sail for the Antarctic . . .

And he realized, too, that – like so many humans – the Mungers themselves might look weak, but when they had the help of their friends they might be unconquerable.