Insects of Unusual Size

Demirtas Refugio – Mustafakemalpasa

Well, I’m sad to report that the people who own the movie rights have demanded, nay, required, that we add some blood and gore. They say that romantic comedies are out. Biking movies went out with the seventies. 

“People want horror. That’s what sells!”

They are also tired of the narrative approach. Too difficult to turn into a movie. 

“Just give us the script for Christ sakes . . .”

“Excuse me. Language.”

People are just so touchy these days.

So here goes – a full script, complete with pictures so even these Hollywood types can understand . . .

THE CENTIPEDE

Scene 1:

An empty prayer room. Turkish rugs adorn the floor. 

Ominous music plays – with lots of notes. One note for every leg of the horrible beast.

After 10 seconds showing the prayer room, the audience sees, for the first time, that a huge – like two feet long – centipede is on the wall – it blended in while not moving. They only see it because it starts crawling along as the music crescendos.

Just then, our hero, a big, muscular, hunky guy – probably played by Brad Pitt – opens the door and peers in. 

As he looks in the centipede stops moving and becomes virtually invisible on the wall.

Brad Pitt character: “Looks like a great place to sleep for the night.”

Character 2 – a hot Asian woman (probably played by Lucy Lu): “Seems nice.”

Character 3 – older woman in a head scarf (might be played by Meryl Streep – but maybe be better to find a leading Turkish actress?): Says something long and unintelligible in Turkish, but with a smile.

Translation on the bottom of the screen:

”Yes, you should stay there. It is very nice. And there’s even a bathroom with a sink and toilet next door. You should know, though, that some have said that there are insects of unusual size living in the prayer room. They say they came up from the fire swamp. But I don’t believe that they really exist . . .”

Characters 1 and 2: “Yes, okay. We got it. Thanks.” (Making it obvious that they have no idea what the old lady just said . . .)

Scene 2:

Character 1 and 2 unfurl their sleeping bag and put it down in the prayer room – all the while the audience can see that the unmoving giant centipede is on the wall. Ominous music plays in the background.

Scene 3:

While Character 1 and 2 are performing their ablutions in the next room the giant centipede crawls down and into the sleeping bag. 

It barely fits. 

Scene 4:

Characters 1 and 2 happily go to bed. They crawl into their sleeping bag, they read for a while, they kiss goodnight, and, finally, turn off the light. All the while the audience can see the centipede. It is tapping its multitude of legs impatiently. 

Scene 5:

The screen is dark.

Ominous music plays, along with the sound of breathing.

Two beady little eyes open – with a hideous green glow.

Character 2: Screams like the world has come to an end.

Character 2: “Something bit me. Ow. Ow. Ow. Get it out. Get it out!”

Character 1: “Let me see the wound.” (With infinite patience Character 1 tries to remove the stinger from Character 2’s leg.)

Character 2: Screams bloody murder again. “It bit me again!!! Ow. Ow. Ow!”

Blood spurts out of the sleeping bag.

Character 1: “Where? Let me . . .”

Character 2: The loudest scream ever!!!!!!!! Leaping up and out of the sleeping bag. “Oh my God!!!! I saw it!!!! It’s horrible!!! Get it!!!!” Another loud scream.

Character 1: “Where is it? Is it one of those bugs we saw the other day?” (Sounding unfazed.)

Character 1 proceeds to methodically look through the sleeping bag and sheets . . . Until . . . He sees the centipede. “Oh my God!!! That’s horrible.”

Character 2: “Get it. Kill it!!!”

A melee ensues. Character 1 and the Centipede fight to the death. The Centipede wraps its 195 pairs of legs around Character 1. There is karate and other martial arts. Finally, Character 1 uses a preying mantis move to dismember whole parts of the Centipede’s body. But the Centipede fights on – with dismembered parts joining the fray. 

Character 2: “Get it. Kill it!!! Oh my God!”

Eventually, Character 1 kills the foul beast.

But, unbeknownst to our heroes, the audience sees a few of the legs still twitching – setting us up for 34 sequels.

As the credits roll, these facts scroll across the screen:

• Centipedes have between 15 and 191 pairs of legs.
• They can grow up to 6” long.
• They are carnivorous. They are predatory and venomous. They use the venom in their bite to stun or kill their prey.
• Between 1979 and 2001 at least six people died from centipede bites.

Hopefully that will satisfy our critics. And, anyway, it’s a 100% true and correct reflection of our reality here in Türkiye. Or at least our last night . . .

A little bit more to share with you . . .

This story, from this afternoon, may give you a flavor for how our experience in Türkiye is going:

We’re riding along and I’m starting to get hungry. Diana checks to see if there are any gas stations coming up. 

After examining Google Maps, she says: “No, you better just eat what you have.”

But, with the wind, I hear: “Yes, there are a bunch of places.” (Don’t ask me how I got it so wrong – but in all fairness, it is pretty hard to hear with all the gustiness we were dealing with). I give her a big thumbs up and we keep going. 

After about ten minutes, we’re going up a mountain and there are no gas stations – or anything else – to be found. 

After we figure out that we’ve miscommunicated, I spot a sign that says RESTAURANT on a nearby building. I bike over to inspect, but it is apparent that it has long since shut down. Meanwhile, Diana has biked up to a different building – I think because she knows how grumpy I can be when I’m hungry, and she’s just hoping to find anything.

A dog starts barking at her, but she proceeds nonetheless.

When she arrives at the building, there’s a woman standing outside asking how she can help. She doesn’t speak English, but soon she is giving us two freshly-baked loaves of bread because, apparently, the building Diana happened to approach is some type of bread-making facility. 

The woman also reassures us that there is more food to be had just up the road.

We climb back on our bikes. Within a few minutes we spot a spring by the side of the road, and Diana sees a sign for some type of sausage business – although it’s kind of strange because you have to climb up stairs off of the road to get there. 

We go to inspect and there is, indeed, a fancy sausage making establishment. We buy some sausage, and what we thought was cheese, and sit down outside the facility to eat. Within a minute of sitting down one of the people at the sausage shop has brought us two bottles of water. Within another minute they have served us two cups of Turkish coffee. Mind you, we didn’t order the water or the coffee. In fact, we didn’t order anything. We’re not at a restaurant. We’re just trying to have a little picnic. 

This is just how Turkiye people are . . . Kind and generous. 

And, then, within a few minutes after that, there are three different people crowded around us, asking questions and making us feel welcome. When their boss arrives he instructs them to give us some cheese (because, it turns out, what we thought was cheese was actually some kind of cultured butter). 

This is the type of thing that we have been expereiencing in Türkiye pretty much with every turn. And, I guess I can say – after 23 countries in the last nine months – this is pretty unique. The people of Türkiye are clearly not yet jaded by self-absorbed tourists. Love places like this . . .

Oh, and, by the way, the bread and sausage were both amazing. 

The ride today? Pretty darn good. Rolling hills and mountains. Green and bucolic.

And the wind was not in our faces all day. We ended up covering some 73 miles – and landed in a super-vibrant and fun medium-sized town with a great market. 

Oh, I have to mention today’s foraging. Plums. Like eating little pieces of candy. Any good ride should have some fruit to pick along the way – and Türkiye is delivering!

Sadly, Old Dan is having a few issues. The front derailleur cable finally bit the dust. Not that big of a deal, but when, at the end of the day, I went to replace the cable, I ended up pulling the cable housing into the down tube. Not good. Because now I can’t run a new cable through to the derailleur – it will just end in the tube . . .

Had to give up on the project for the day because I was too hungry, and clearly not thinking straight. But our friend Dave P walked me through some options. For now, planning to just bike another day without my big chain ring – and then hoping to fix things up once we reach Instabul. 

Tomorrow we are hoping to make it to Mudanya – a town on the coast of the Sea of Marmara – this little body of water that connects the Mediterranean with the Black Sea. From there, the plan is to hop a ferry into the heart of Istanbul (thank you to Tim from Grand Marais and Bill M for their thoughts and advice in that regard). And then tomorrow night we meet John M, our old college buddy, and, hopefully, his wife Kang and their kids, for dinner. Depends on how crazy tired the kids are after a big day of travel . . .

Signing off from the Land of Four Seasons.

Oh, and don’t hesitate to send thoughts and suggestions about Istanbul. We’ll be there for a few days . . .