Jupiter Pluvius

Olympia – Rainbow Falls State Park – Bay City, Washington (the Bay City Rollers are not from here – we checked . . .)

We learned some new vocabulary today. And very useful vocabulary, at that. I mean, not the kind you might use in Scrabble, but very useful nonetheless. Who doesn’t need a new expletive? After all, it seems like many of our generation’s old words are kind of taboo these days. Probably rightfully so – but there’s still a little hole in my brain where those words used to go . . .

And particularly useful out here, in the PNW (that’s the Pacific Northwest, for those who are not in the know . . .). 

Jupiter Pluvius!

That’s the new expletive.

Jupiter was, among other things, the god of rain. He could bring rain, or he could take it away. “Jupiter Pluvius” is, apparently, like the way my Grandpa used to say “Jesus Christ!” Except not too many people believe in old Jupiter anymore,so there’s no one left to be offended – not that I would put it past people these days. Transgressions are like a dime a dozen . . .

In that vein, I’m kind of planning to use Jupiter Pluvius pretty liberally going forward. Let me give you some examples . . .

Let’s say you’re biking, and you’re at the end of a long day. You’re tired, you’re hungry, and you’re pretty excited to get off your bike. You’re almost to your destination, a nice Washington State Park – Rainbow Falls. Google Maps tells you to turn onto a bike path, but it’s not looking very well maintained, and you just want to be done. So you and your wife confer, and you agree that – Google Maps be damned – it’s just better to stay on the road. So you keep biking, counting down the miles until your arrival: 3, 2, 1. 

“Your destination is in one half mile,” says your sometimes friend, Google Maps. 

You’re pretty excited now.

“You have reached your destination.”

The dopamine surges.

But then you look around. There is a river paralleling the road, and you can hear some falls, but there is no state park. No entrance sign. No ranger waiting to greet you. Nothing but tall trees and more road. 

Upon consulting Google Maps in more detail on your new Pixel Fold you discover that you have, indeed, reached Rainbow Falls, and the State Park is only about 100 feet away. Problem is, it’s across the river. 

Exactly where you would be if you had just listened to Google Maps to begin with. That is, in fact, exactly where the gravelly bike path would have taken you. 

So now, in order to reach that campground that is only 100 feet away you need to bike another mile-and-a-half along the river in order to reach the next bridge, and then backtrack to the State Park.

Jupiter Pluvius!

Or today’s example . . . 

Again involving Google Maps. 

It’s 67 miles to Astoria, Oregon from Rainbow Falls State Park (which was very nice by the way).

So you start biking. It’s very nice. In fact, you are on the very path today that you foolishly chose to avoid yesterday. And it’s beautiful. Maybe the nicest bike path you have ever been on. Through the tall pines of Washington, with a carpet of moss everywhere you look. A gurgling stream runs beside you. And it’s sunny! 

Which is especially impressive because there’s an interpretive sign talking about how there used to be a town in this spot, and it was named Pluvius because, legend has it, it rains in this town 362 days per year. And, still according to the sign, it’s f-ing cloudy the other three days. That’s why the town was called Pluvius . . . (And also probably why the town was subsequently abandoned.)

Okay, but this isn’t where you need your expletive yet. That comes later . . .

Eventually, after you’ve biked about 40 miles, Google Maps tells you to turn left. 

There are two problems with this. 

First, it looks like Google Maps is sending you up a lonely mountain path; the problem with this is you haven’t had lunch yet – and you’re hungry. (It’s true that we should have planned better. But, I think, to be fair, we were lulled into a false sense of security because the last two days have been either suburbia, or close to it – with stores all over the place.)

Second, the path looks rough. Like Patagonia ripio rough. Not just gravel, but those big rocks that sometimes pass as gravel. We can do it, but it won’t necessarily be fun. 

So we decide to ask some people in a car, who happened to have slowed down to get mail or something. 

“Guessing you know this area better than we do,” I say.

“Well, I’ve lived on this here hill for going on fifty years,” and he gestures up the way that Google Maps is telling us to go. 

“Oh good, then maybe you can tell us whether we should go that way . . .”

“Where are you headed?”

“Astoria,” we say.

“You can’t get there going up this way,” he says. “The road’s been blocked.”

He goes on to explain that you used to be able to get through, but the lumber companies that own the land on the other side of the hill won’t let you through anymore. 

“Used to be twenty miles to get to work for me. Now it’s 50, ‘cause I gotta go way around.”

Diana presses him a little. “Can you still get through at all?” (Because, as we all know, Diana isn’t going to let a little rule stop her if that’s the way she wants to go . . .)

“Sign says ‘no motorized vehicles,’” he tells her.

She’s thinking of arguing that we’re not on motorized vehicles, but he’s also telling us how difficult and rough the road is, and how there are no services (which translates to no lunch) for miles. 

He drives off. We look more closely at Google Maps. It’s 28 miles to Astoria – if you go up this road. It’s 58 miles otherwise. 

Jupiter Pluvius!

You see how useful this term is?

A little postscript to this story . . . 

We arrive at a little store some four miles down the long-way-around road. Diana asks the store clerk about the ripio road – could we actually get through?

“Robby,” the clerk calls out the door. 

Robby, the young UPS driver, comes in. He’s reminiscent of the good-looking UPS guy in Legally Blonde – the one the hair dresser friend falls for . . .

Robby has a different story – but the same net result. According to Robby it’s not so much the lumber companies, it’s some guy who owns a piece of land back there within the lumber company parcel – a piece of land that you need to get through in order to get across to the other side. According to Robby he doesn’t like people on his land, and he has cameras set up and stuff. 

“You don’t want to mess with that guy . . .”

Sounds a bit like the unibomber . . . (If you don’t know who the unibomber is, you are probably too young to be reading this old person’s blog . . . (How do you spell unibomber, anyway? Unibomber, or unabomber?)

Anyway, net result is that we didn’t make a lot of forward progress today. We started out 67 miles from Astoria, we biked about 60 miles, and somehow we still ended up 40 miles from Astoria.

Jupiter Pluvius! 

We did enjoy a beautiful ride though. Turns out that outstate Washington is much different from Seattle and environs. Lots of trees. Lots of logging. Not so many people. You can see why vampire books and movies are set here. Lots of grey, dreary weather. And even when it’s sunny, it’s like twilight in the woods – just the kind of place I would want to hang out if I was Dracula.

And the camping has been great. Rainbow Falls, for all the drama in getting there, was very nice. Although, somewhat ironically for us considering all the rain we’ve encountered, there was a fire ban so we were forced to make “Surprise” on the cookstove rather than one of our barbecue specialties. Still good, but boiled brats and ramen isn’t exactly fancy . . . 

We’re staying on the coast tonight in a campground run by the Chinook Indians. (I need to do some study on the Chinook. I know Chinook salmon, and Chinook Winds – but that’s about it . . .)

No fire ban here – but apparently we are in some serious rain forest – because ALL the wood is wet. Took a little effort to get a fire going – but we ended up with the best meal of the trip so far: perfectly seared steak, Diana’s amazing mashed potatoes, asparagus, and bag salad. Delicious. 

Good news is that we don’t have a ton of time pressure on this trip – so our 30 mile setback was not really a big deal – just get to see more of Washington . . .

Two more quick items for you . . .

Apples. Boy, was I wrong about apples. Once we made our way out of the suburbs we found apples everywhere. I don’t know who planted them, but Washington makes the UP look like amateurs on the apple front. 

The bridge to Astoria. Kind of another consequence of our unibomber drama today . . . The bridge across the Columbia River is more than 4 miles long – and apparently is steel-grated (meaning you can see right through). There is no dedicated bike lane and not much of a shoulder. Oh yeah, and it’s 200’ up in the air. (Did I mention that I’m afraid of heights?) All this is not that big of a deal to us, really. But I guess the cross winds can get a little wicked. The upshot is that we were hoping to take the bridge first thing in the morning, when there is generally less traffic and less wind. The plan was to stay in a campground on the Washington side of the bridge and then get up early for the ride across. But now we’re 36 miles away from the bridge – meaning we will get there right in the middle of the day. 

Jupiter Pluvius . (At least this issue gives us another opportunity to use our new expletive. They say you need to use a new word like three times before it really becomes part of your vocabulary. I think I’m well on my way . . .)

(Note that with my new phone I still need to work out a few glitches – so these are more of Diana’s photos than mine. The unfortunate (for you) upshot being that these photos are more of me than of my lovely wife . . .)